Doomed
by Vampiric Hyde
Summary: Severus overhears a conversation between Lily and James... Set in the time when they were students at Hogwarts. This is short, and basically an attempt for me to look into Sevvy... Poor guy.


Doomed

Watching quietly, his eyes flickering, Severus leaned against the stone wall of the hallway, melting into the shadows. He could feel the frigidness beneath his back, and somehow it seemed to match his position; standing in a dim, side hallway of the school, eavesdropping on Lily and James, who stood nearby in a more traveled, warmer corridor. James's back was facing him, and Severus could see Lily's face, but she couldn't see him. The shadows were good for that much.

Fitting, how fitting. Lily Evans and James Potter, their hands and eyes locked. Lily had always claimed that she hated James, and James had always pulled tricks, not always calm tricks, on Lily. Nearly everyone, including himself, had believed that the two would never get along. Yet here they were and, if Severus could observe anything, he observed that they were far from hating each other.

Severus raised his upper lip slightly, though it was a forced, conscious gesture. His face desperately wanted to fall into an expression of profound sadness. Severus wouldn't let it, though. He couldn't show anything, not even while he was alone At least, not if he could help it. Even so, it was terribly difficult to keep his expression under control. He found, somewhere in the back of his mind, that he was close to losing his placid mask.

His dark eyes fixated on Lily; her flowing red hair (fiery, to match her temper), her deep green eyes (so thoughtful, so vivid), and her perfect body (under the robes of Ravenclaw). The way that she was staring at James was both longing and wistful. It sickened him and, at the same time, made him wish that

'None of that,' he thought, shaking his head slightly. It wouldn't do at all to think like that. Even so, it was impossible to forget.

As much as Lily probably hated him, Severus couldn't shake off his own Well, his feelings for her. Odd as it was, he was attracted to her. Not only for her beauty, that would be horrendously shallow, but also for her intellect and mystique. There was something about her that held Severus's mind even after thoughts of her shimmering hair had receded. She had seen something, or she knew something. She had a secret. It was something miles deep and intricately complicated

Did James understand this? Did he see that side of Lily, the deeper, mysterious side? Maybe, but probably not to any fair extent. James had never been the most understanding or philosophical person, How could he possible understand something like that? Why would he need to? He was so so 'popular'.

'Damn you, James,' Severus thought bitterly. He sighed quietly, feeling his breath trickle from his mouth lethargically, watching as it was consumed by the greedy coolness of the air around him. Why was he stuck in this darkness, so alone, so cold?

"James, I" Lily began, cutting of Severus's thoughts of himself and bringing him back to her. Severus noticed that Lily's voice, usually so calm and collected, now sounded insecure. He wanted to rush out and comfort her, to tell it was all right and that it would always be all right. It was crazy, but he wanted to do it.

"Lily," James said simply, relieving her of the duty of speech. It was probably the most sensitive that that Severus had ever seen James do. "I understand."

The girl's green eyes were warm and glowing as James drew her into an embrace. She sighed as she was pulled against him, and a comforted, content smile spread of her face. Severus cringed against the wall, feeling her against him, wishing he was where James was.

Why did Potter have all the luck? First the team spot, then the group of friends, and now Lily.

"I think I've fallen for you," Lily sighed, leaning her head against James.

Severus closed his eyes, and for a moment he could picture that she was speaking to him. He could feel her love for him, could feel her warm body against his, could smell the sweetness of her perfume. He could hear her soft, teasing voice in his ear. She was so close, so close, and he wanted her forever.

The feeling was so intense that it sickened him. He nearly gagged, but sufficed with a dry, silent choke. He opened his eyes again then, only to find that it was James who Lily had fallen for.

"I love you, too," James said in the same content voice that Lily has used.

Why James? Why couldn't it have been he, Severus? It wasn't his fault that he wasn't what James was, that he was Slytherin. He was different, that was all. Just different. Did that matter to Lily? Did it matter to her that maybe he had something deep, something special? Judging from the way she was looking at James, it didn't.

"I just" Lily stumbled over the words, then recovered quickly and admirably. "It's so strange."

"The princess and the prankster," James nodded.

Severus pushed a bunch of his black hair out of his equally black eyes. So they knew how strange it seemed. Of course they did. They didn't care, though. How had it worked? Why couldn't Lily had found him first? Now she would probably never know.

Lily laughed quietly, causing Severus's thoughts to melt into his admiration for her at least for a moment. He adored her laugh. It was so light, so happy. She sounded as if there was nothing in the world that could possibly be happier than what she had just heard.

"Exactly," Lily said lightly.

For a moment the two stood where they were, holding each other. Severus watched, yearning, wondering where exactly he'd gone wrong. Finally, James spoke. "I don't ever want to leave you. Not for a minute. I want you to be mine."

'Why are you torturing yourself?!?' Severus's mind screamed at him. 'Why are you listening to this?'

He wasn't sure. All he knew was that he loved Lily Evans, and that if he was to ever believe that she was taken, he's have to see it himself. He had to know for a fact that his dream was over.

Was that all? No, probably not. Part of it was pain. If he was going to feel the hurt, he figured that it might as well be strong. It was foolish, yes, but it made sense in a strange, twisted way.

James had said that he wanted Lily to be with him forever. If she said yes, the dream would be over. If she pledged to be loyal to James forever, right then and there, it would be in honesty. It'd be a pact, closing and sealing the love of James and Lily, blocking Severus from the young woman forever.

Severus hoped that she'd say no. It was all he wanted. He didn't care about anything else, not at that point. He wanted her to say 'no', to hold off.

Lily opened her mouth to speak, and Severus held his breath. This was it, the end or the beginning. Which would it be?

"I want to be with you forever," she smiled radiantly, then drew towards James.

As the lips of the lovers locked in a passionate kiss, Severus felt something inside of him fall freely, withering and burning furiously as it went. She had said yes. He couldn't believe it. She had said yes.

His dreams were dead, tossed out with one phrase from the mouth of the veritable goddess that was Lily. Everything he had hoped and longed for was void. Everything he had wanted had been taken away.

Nothing. Nothing left for Severus.

He nearly sunk to the floor, only managing to remain standing because he didn't want Lily to walk past him while he was in pain. Not only that, but he couldn't stand to watch the lovers any longer.

Silently, he pushed himself away from the wall. Lily was still engaged in the kiss with James. Her eyes were closed in complete bliss, and Severus felt something click in his throat.

He turned away swiftly and soundlessly. He was used to moving quietly, and even in his depressed state of mind he knew better than to alert them of his presence. Better not to let them know that he had been watching, that he had seen their profession of love.

Soon everyone would know. This thought sickened Severus further, and he nearly doubled over as he turned onto a warmer corridor. Warmer, but not any less filled with pain. Nothing could be friendly after what he had just seen.

It was all gone, all wasted. Why, why, why had it been James? That arrogant, lucky, prick. How had it happened to him?

"Doomed to the night," Severus muttered, hardly aware of what he was saying as he continued down the hall.

Doomed to the night, indeed.


End file.
